So Here We Are
by LondonGirl101
Summary: So. . . here we are. And hopefully, we'll get even further. Beckett reflects on her and Castle's relationship throughout the years. Beckett's POV.


**So Here We Are**

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I was never really happy.

That is, until he came.

Sure, I gave him a lot of strange looks, and disapproved of his rude behavior. . . but, he was fun to be around.

I didn't show it at first. I was always cautious around him. At any sight, I hid behind the mask I had created ever since my mothers death, and showed no emotions. I had always been good at that. I could hide my smile in a seconds notice. Turn it back to something that was as expressionless as a stone. I was so good at it, in fact, that when he did seem to almost crack it, I was bewildered. No one, and I mean _no one _had ever come as close to me as he had. And in such a short time. It was like he was some sort of extra charm that I kept hidden in my pocket just waiting for it do something unrealistic. Something unimaginative.

And the worst part was how freaking good he was at it. He was that little key, trying to open up my heart. He knew I suffered, and he knew that I hurt. To me, that wasn't fare. He could read me like an open book, and I hated it. At least, that's what I told myself.

Sure, the first time we met _for real_, I was a little impressed. That is, until he disobeyed the law. Until he actually showed me that he wasn't a human being, and could never be.

Now, I can't think of anyone else who could be more human than him. I love that. And I hate it.

After I finally got to know the actual him, he grew on me. I let that smile slip occasionally when he said something funny or charming. He defiantly still had those few annoying perks of his, but overall. . . I actually liked him.

Now, that little bit. . . that scared me at first. For years I had been hard - core, bad, Katherine Beckett. I knew Ryan and Esposito saw the change when they started betting on when me and him would get together. Of course, I had thought this ridiculous. Me and _Castle_ get together? Over my dead body. But then again, who was I kidding?

Absolutely no one.

Right before the summer he broke my heart. I was finally ready to except him. Finally ready to be with him. I dumped the most perfect boyfriend anyone could ever have, and in return. . . I got slapped in the face. Right in front of everyone.

That hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. The pain was right up there with my mothers death. That's how much I had feelings for him. If someone that close to you hurts you, you get triple the size of a broken heart. In my personal experience, that's not good. Not good at all.

When he came back without calling, I had never been more furious with him. I wanted to punch him, and hug him, and kill him all at once. Those deep overwhelming emotions got to the bottom of me, and my heart felt hardened towards him. I had never felt that way over anyone I had ever meant, and - truthfully - it scared me to bits. I wasn't going to let him in after what had happened to me. At least, not that soon.

Slowly, I see a change in him. True, he had always liked me, but now. . . it seemed different. Like it meant more to him.

"Is Castle gay?"

That line had got me. Castle _hadn't _slept with Natalie after she had wanted to, and she wanted my permission? No way in _hell _was I ever going to tell Castle that it was alright. Of course it wasn't. I certainly didn't want him to sleep with anybody. I didn't want him _kissing_ anybody. And yet, there I was, dating someone else, telling myself that maybe I could get over him. Maybe I could just let him go. I started to believe that line myself. But then, he had kissed me.

Of course he had kissed me.

Even now I can still feel his lips pressed against mine. His hand on my back, gently guiding me towards him. I hadn't meant for that little moan to escape from the back of my throat. I sit and wonder sometimes if he thinks about the kiss as much as I still do. I don't know exactly when it hit me, but sometime around my mothers case I knew. After he had declared us official partners.

I was in love with Richard Castle.

That was _defiantly_ something I had to think about all night. Countless nights, in fact. Especially the nights I got to see Josh.

I almost told him. The night we practically froze to death. The words had almost slipped from my tongue.

I still wish desperately that they had.

That brings us to now. The present day in time. I look at him everyday at work, three words echoing through my head countless times.

_I love you. I love you. I love you._

So. . . here we are. And hopefully, we'll get even further.


End file.
